The Iguana Way
There is a dearth of information on the peculiar metaphysics of iguanas, specifically their religion and their beliefs about the ultimate goals of iguana life. To fill this aching void, I offer this on the Iguana iguana way of life, called Iguana Points. This system has only a few rules (since, after all, were talking about creatures whose brain size approximates that of a kumquat), but it is the Way of Life for all self-respecting members of this iguanid species.
The Goal
The goal of an iguana's life is to amass points. The iguanas who die with the most points go to Iguana Heaven. Iguana Heaven is in Ecuador. Iguana Hell is a 10-gallon tank with a hot rock in a 12 year old's dark bedroom who thinks that fruit cocktail (in heavy syrup) is excellent iguana food and who likes playing basketball with his pets. Literally. No iguana wants to die with insufficient Iguana Points and end up in Iguana Hell. Therefore, competition is fierce amongst these scaled beasts. With some patience and understanding on your part, you may help your iguana achieve his or her goal. While there is no direct proof that humans who cause their iguanas to end up in Iguana Hell do not themselves end up in an Eternity spent handling big, untamed iguanas whose claws have never been clipped, why chance it?
The Points
Points are amassed by performing the following activities: Points Activity
1 Sleeping in the sun; per hour
2 Sleeping in sun on top of another iguana
5 Sleeping on top of owner's head
10 Pooping in water bowl and making owner clean up
10 Pooping in food dish and making owner clean up
15 Pooping in fresh food
15 Pooping on owners head
20 Pooping on owners head just before owner leaves for work
30 Enthusiastically "making out" with his LuvSock when guests walk by
Pooping on furniture: 2 chairs
10 sofas and futons
10 beds
275 pooping under the covers and watching smugly as owner's get into bed (possibly a fast ticket to ig heaven!)
Free Roamers and Pooping:
0 Poops in middle of newspaper
5 Poops on edge of newspaper, so half runs off
10 Poops on floor next to newspaper
15 Walks through poop, makes tracks all over room
20 Finds completely new place to poop
25 New poop place goes unfound for 24 hours
30 Owner finds poop by stepping in it
35 Owner wearing only socks in above incident
Knocking things over when your keepers aren't home:
1 each item
3 expensive items, each
10 completely clearing off a shelf
Climbing up bookcases and knocking out books from inside the shelves:
2 points per book
10 points for first editions or other antique volumes
5 Climbing higher than other iguanas
5 Climbing up expensive lace curtains higher than other iguana
10 Ruining lace curtains; each panel
10 Glaring disdainfully when owner objects to ruining of lace curtains or toppling of expensive items
1 Iguana leaping
2 Iguana leaping and landing on owner
5 Iguana leaping, landing on owner and tearing clothes and/or skin
1 Sticking iguana tongue out at something
2 Clawing futilely and biting at light bulb guard in cage
20 Dismantling same and destroying light without electrocuting self.
Tormenting other household pets; the degrees involved are:
1 staring until they go away;
3 crawling over them like speedbumps when they're asleep;
5 drinking out of their water bowl and making them wait until you're done;
15 kicking them out of their favorite sleeping spot so you can use it, then pooping there
Training humans for servitude to:
3 get you out of your house whenever you want;
5 feed you stuff they know isn't good for you, but you like;
15 give you massages whenever you want by pretending to have cramps;
25 make the other pets leave you alone after you tormented them;
50 let you loose in the house when they're away or asleep despite what they know you do when they're gone;
Artistic shedding:
5 looking like a leper when visitors arrive;
25 if it's a full-body shed and your guests hate herps and think they're creepy;
50 if they're close relatives whom you wish really hadn't come over to begin with
Hair Eating:
1 for each human hair they find and eat
3 for each hair they yank out of their head while they pretend to nuzzle your neck
Hiding Behind Furniture:
1 making you come and get them
2 if you have to move the furniture to get them
5 if it takes two (or more) people to move the furniture
1 bonus point for pretending they don't know what they've done!
And, finally...
5 For pooping on your hardcopy printout of The Iguana Way
10 ...if it was a big wet one!
The Warning
The Iguana Way is to be kept secret. No iguana should reveal this way to an owner because no iguana wants an owner to know why they act the way they do. To reveal The Way to an owner causes forfeiture of all accumulated iguana points. So, please, be discrete or you both may end up where you don't want to be!
Tanith Tyrr, who found information on iguana behavior and motivation lacking, researched iguana behavior and discovered the code of behavior by which iguanas live. Herewith is her contribution to the literature, with a few additions and amendments of my own and contributions from Suzy Miller and Leafy, Her Green Wickedness, Karl (who apparently has been doing a bit of furniture rearranging!), Tammy and Spike, and Pam Goda.
(extract from www.anapsid.org/humor/index.html )
